Milbank goes fourth!

Dear Mr. Milbank,
Kudos!

While I had thought it impossible to exceed the vapidity of your Washington Sketch entitled "Is it wise to be so smart?" from the May 30 edition of the Washington Post, your recent Sketch from June 28th, awkwardly entitled "Bill Had His Al, and Hillary Might Have Her Bill" has heroically triumphed!

Once again our intrepid reporter finds himself assailed by speeches in which "words such as "fissionable" and "Abrahamic dialogue" were invoked." How vexing! Yet all was not lost. At least the "speech was in a gilded ballroom of the Willard hotel, where waiters served roasted chicken and orzo salad at tables decorated with blue hydrangeas coordinated with the candidate's blue pantsuit." Thank goodness, at least there was something coordinated and appetizing about this miserable and tedious excursion.

Yet all was not well in Versailles! Some poor souls actually had to endure the indignity of "plastic boxes containing tuna sandwiches and bags of potato chips." "Balanced on their laps," no less. Quel damage!

And what a speech it was! Detestably it "occupied nine single-spaced pages and had the warning "3,325 words" at the top." The odious speech "lulled the crowd of 200 into utter silence. Eyelids drooped. Listeners shifted in their seats." How vexing. How utterly tedious! I am sure it was very tiresome indeed for our intrepid reporter. Why, don't they know you could have been out playing tennis instead. How discourteous! How unsolicitous!

I do wish to thank you for enduring this in our stead and reporting only the kernel of the tiresome ordeal and sparing our delicate sensibilities from the inexhaustible details. What could one possibly need to know about a speech which "laid out this great policy, a lot of intricate detail, to a bunch of policy wonks?" Why simply the highlights, darling, such as these "bon mots:" "I revert back to the Nunn-Lugar initiatives, which have been underfunded," and "the IAEA naturally has the lead on nuclear issues," and "there are at least six major reasons why Iran is strategically significant."" In fact, "He could be heard to utter phrases such as" these. No need to bother us with what those six tiresome reasons could possibly be. At least we were served up a few delectable "bon mots," the most appealing of which was no doubt the long denied "in conclusion."

My esteemed Mr. Milbank, once again, the Nation owes you a debt of gratitude for sparing us the noxious details of what are clearly boring policy speeches that last the entirety of "a detailed, hour long discussion." How can our poor brains be expected to retain focus for an entire hour? It is simply too ghastly. It defies time itself. "Tonight? This afternoon." The mind boggles.

Please do yourself a favor and get out of this business before it damages your health.

Admiringly yours,
V. Publius